2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?
In some ways, I have become stronger while in others I have become weaker. Two years ago would have been 11/02/2009 and I was still in a relationship that was toxic for my mental well being. It has taken me a little over a year to finally release the tension and emotions behind the realization that I’d made myself blind. He was good for me in many ways but he was bad for me in many, many more. A lot is still blamed upon my inability to communicate. But there was a lot behind that inability that should have been recognized by the other party.
I suck at opening myself up and forming intimate bonds with anyone.
Slowly, I am recognizing the whys behind this. Apparently, a lot of the emotional and psychological symptoms I display are very common with PTSD, being the victim of sexual abuse, and being a rape victim. Since I refuse to be a victim who does not progress past their problems, I have made the decision to seek professional help. Now that I know what I am looking for, I do not have to feel like I am merely throwing myself into someone hands and going ‘fix me!’ since I have a good, solid starting place now.
I have cut almost all of my emotional ties with anyone I considered a friend and that was a mistake. Even years ago, I had the realization that I had the ability to walk away from anyone and any place and simply cut my ties. Most people would have been bothered by that and yet here I am, a year later, and I did just that. “Just talk to me! Stop bottling all that shit up!” is not really a viable option since I don’t have a switch that I can flip on and off.
So I will keep writing, keep bottling, and see if a trained neutral party can slowly help me get past the emotional traumas and allow me to love myself and others.
Stay Classy, Internets.
♡ Kristen
