It’s 4am and I am looking at the living room that has caused me so much stress and depression for the past two years. So much to pack and absolutely no desire to do so. The cats are watching me drift back and forth, trying to box up things that I’ve collected over the years. It’s a slow process and emotionally exhausting. I have run up against a deadline I should have been able to beat but faltered miles back before the finish line. Depression? Stress? Anxiety? All of the above, really. I wish I could be The Bitch. I wish I didn’t care so much about his feelings. I wish I could have just done what needed to get done without being empathetic to his depression and anxiety. But I can’t. I am who I am. I cannot be anything less. While I can have a severe lack of patience, I cannot simply shut off the empathy nor disregard the love that I had for him once.
Do I still love him? Yes. Does it hurt me to still love him? Absolutely. I need to distance myself from this place; so much negativity is associated with it for me now that I lost sight of a lot of things. I’ve been blind to much of myself, to my desires and my dreams. I settled. I gave up. It isn’t like me to just give up. I would stumble but I always caught myself. Or if I stumbled and fell, I still picked myself back up and brushed off the dirt. I have always been stronger than what I wound up being. I hated what I became. I resented him so much for putting me in such a predicament. Should I have talked more? Probably. Did I expect him to see between the lines? Unfortunately, the answer to that would be an affirmative. Depressing.
Here is to new beginnings.
Here is to my new adventure.
Here is to my journey.
I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress, handful of anger, held in my chest. And everything left’s a waste of time. I hate my rhymes, but hate everyone else’s more. I’m riding on the back of this pressure. Guessing that it’s better I can’t keep myself together. Because all of this stress gave me something to write on. The pain gave me something I could set my sights on. Never forget the blood sweat and tears, the uphill struggle over years the fear and trash talking and the people it was to and the people that started it just like you.
Linkin Park – Nobody’s Listening
