I’m back home finally. It’s kind of weird saying “home” and having it be with Angel and Robert. But it’s nice at the same time. I’m not living by myself and wallowing in self doubt or pity. I’m not living under my mother and stepfather hearing a slew of “I told you so”s or them constantly questioning what plans I have in store. I don’t have any plans at the moment. Gasp. Shock. I know. I don’t have anything in the works as of this moment. I just don’t care yet. I wanted to take the time to myself and just be

I wound up being in San Diego for Comic Con and to just see family and friends for the first time in a year and a half. I was worried about leaving the cats since they were still so unsettled but Angel is a doll and dealt with them, including giving Lili her prednisone pills. On another note, I am becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of anything that can be done about Lili’s mouth. It’s just getting worse and worse and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I need to find a holistic vet as soon as I can afford them. They may be her only hope.

Anyway, got into San Diego on Wednesday and skipped out on Preview Night. Met up with Mark on Thursday morning and hit up Con for the first day. I didn’t do a whole lot outside of wandering though I found the coolest little poster.

Isn’t that awesome? I cracked up when I saw it. When I made my next round around the floor I snatched it up because it still cracked me up. In fact, everyone who stopped to see what it said as I was walking about with it had to ask me where I’d gotten it. I want to get it framed and hung up.

Anyway, it was a somewhat long four days but they all sort of meshed together because I wound up getting sick on day 3. Like, fevers and all of that fun stuff. I was able to get a few books signed by Sherrilyn Kenyon who was an absolutely lovely person and I just couldn’t have been happier with the experience. She signed two hardback copies of Infinity for me (one for me and one for Venya and then two manga as well. She was just bubbly and didn’t seem to be fake at all; she was grateful for the support of her fans and was just so sweet. I got the one manga signed with “Kristen says you need to read this” because I was sending it to Kim and she wound up signing a free manga for me since she thought I was ‘adorable’ and a ‘good friend’ *chuckles*

On Sunday I managed to get into the Supernatural panel. I completely fangirled over Jensen Ackles making an appearance. It didn’t give a whole lot away for Season Six but I still came away satisfied and super excited for the new season. After that was American Dad’s panel and then the panel for Glee which had part of the cast. I probably would have been far more excited if Lea Michele had been there.

After the panels let out, I realized that I was completely sick and that I had run out of steam. Mark and I headed over to the Fulfillment Room so I could get the swag from the panels and then we headed to the car to wait for his friends to show up. Mark flew a kite while I talked on the phone with Rick for a bit and got completely pissed off. I laid in the back seat for a bit and then we finally were able to leave.

I got to meet my dad’s girlfriend, Lieke, finally and was SO excited. But by this point I was running a fever of 101 to 102 so I was run down. We went to dinner at Corvette Diner where I got an Ariel balloon made and I met Lieke’s daughter Anneke finally as well. She was a lot of fun. I really like them both a lot. I didn’t get to meet the other daughter but that’s all in good time.

I slept at my dad’s on Sunday night and then drove to my mother’s house on Monday where I stayed until I left San Diego on Saturday morning. She took me to the clinic on Thursday where I was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection and pink eye. I managed to spread the pink eye as of today from the left eye to the right eye. Go me.

But I’m home now. I’ve felt better today than I have all week. Managed to make the six hour drive from Escondido to Maricopa. On a side note, I hate the border patrol checkpoints. I don’t hate them so much when the officer doing the glancing into my car is absolutely hot and has a sexy voice, wishing me a good day. *melts*

And now I’m on my way back from Tipsy into Drunk. Good times. Did a couple half-shots of something that was 100-proof and then whatever Robert made me. I’m gonna go get another one of those. I haven’t eaten today. So this has been interesting *LOL*

Watching puddles gather rain, there’s no better place to lay. She’s as fine as dandelions blowing in the wind. Shes not thinkin’ about anything. She floats, she floats… floats. Wearing black patent Mary Janes, she steps out in to the rain. She’s as dry as clear blue skies swallowing you whole. Got no secrets though I’m told she floats, she floats… floats. She’s as fine as dandelions blowing in the wind; Shes not thinking. She’s listening.

Vanessa Carlton – She Floats

Needless to say, I made it safely to Maricopa, Arizona and I’ve just been trying to get settled. New snazzy domain. Yes. I’ve released the long-held moniker of Danika because it’s about effin’ time and I should ‘grow up’ or something.

The night of the 2nd, I wound up realizing that I had the date of Robert’s flight wrong. He was arriving on the Fourth of July and not the Third. Whoops. But that was good in one sense because I went with Rick to pick up the moving truck from Penske and ran into trouble every step of the way. But there weren’t any red flags because the issues presented resolutions that had been better than before; the trouble was on Rick’s end which only made me feel worse.

We got to Penske and the truck wasn’t there. It wasn’t that it wasn’t ready, it wasn’t there. The person at the desk said that they had another one available in the North Philadelphia location, about 25-30 miles away, that I could have and they would give me 25% off. I couldn’t pass that up. Along with my AAA discount, the total discount wound up being 37% off. I saved about $500 because of that oopsie. Rick was going to drive the truck home, towing the empty trailer and I was going to drive his car. I got in the car and it wouldn’t start.

After getting it towed home, I’d lost about four hours already on the actual loading process. By this point, I was exhausted and realized that my body was shutting down as it fought fatigue and illness. I did all I could physically do that day before sleeping for a couple hours so I could get up, go to the airport, and pick up Robby. The packing and loading was not finished so we got back to the apartment and just went into super-mode. We left by 10am and were on the road on the Fourth.

We got into Atlanta, GA around 3am on the Fifth to stay with Robby’s sister for the night. The cats were finally let out to really stretch and Charlie wound up hiding under the bed in the guest bedroom while Lili claimed the room as Hers and hissed at him any time he ventured out of hiding.

We got a late start on the Fifth, mostly due to exhaustion as well as having a meal with Maren and her husband; after a meal at Waffle House, we had to repack our own things into the truck and car as well as things Maren was sending along with Robby. The original plan was to make it to Mobile, AL to stay with Russ/Sailor Nash for the night but we were making such slow progress that we decided to push on to Texas. Shifting our route, we headed toward Dallas and Forth Worth instead of San Antonio where I was able to get us lodging. Unfortunately, we weren’t going to get in until around 8am local time on the Sixth so it was more like, we needed a place to sleep for several hours before moving on again.

From there we pushed on through the night, again, and made it to Maricopa around 1pm to 2pm on the Seventh of July. By this point, my cold was in full swing and Robert was already showing the signs of having caught it. There really wasn’t anything we could do to prevent that given the three days spent in the truck almost 24 hours a day.

Today is the Twentieth and I haven’t really accomplished anything. I am stressed out because the cats are so unhappy; Charlie is freaked out. Lili is grumpy but at least she ventures out. Charlie panics at the first sign of Angie, Robert, or Angie’s little sister Jasmine… or any of the other animals (with the exception of the two ferrets). I am supposed to be in San Diego starting tomorrow (originally today!) but I can’t leave the cats for too long and make Angie take care of them. That’s not fair to anyone. But I’ve been looking forward to San Diego ComiCon and seeing my dad… I can’t put everything on hold, either. I’m just torn.

Walls are closing in on me, closing fast they’re smothering. Edge of darkness at my feet, feeling like I’m falling out of this dream. Questioning my reason’s why I feel we should say goodbye. There’s only one thing I can do to fix the situation that we’re going through. I guess I got to be the one to… Break it, break it, break it, break it, break the silence. And just take it, take it, take it, take a moment to tell me what you see. Cuz we’re falling apart, you can’t deny it. Before I lose my sanity, just break it, break it, break it, break it, break the silence between you and me. Stranded going nowhere fast, isolated in the past; wanting out, but scared to move. To fix the situation that we’re going through I guess I got to be the one to…

Alana Grace – Break the Silence

Even though I’m posting this on the 2nd of July, it is 3:25am. “Today” was my last day at work. Bittersweet, really. I spent too many days in that building, too many hours on the phone getting yelled at by members and drivers. I won’t miss the building–just as I won’t miss this apartment. I will not miss the BS that was so rampant within those walls. I will miss the people and the dynamics of the various little groups that get created day in and day out. Someone once accused me of being in a clique because of who I preferred to hang out with. No, no. Some people just weren’t worth my time. Sorry. That isn’t being part of a clique. That is me choosing to share my awesomeness with those who better deserve it.

A small group went out to the local bar tonight for a small going away party in my honor. While I wish there had been more people, it was still very fitting. I was never a party person. I was not one to hit up the bar after work. Maybe if I had I wouldn’t have hated my life so much. But I’d always felt so compelled to come home to the apartment even though I hated it. Both of them, actually. Maybe that is another reason why I got so frustrated with Rick’s choice to be away five to six nights out of the week. I was the one with the later shift and yet I often came home to an empty apartment. Something was very off about that. I just got off track…

“I’m fine.” was the phrase of the night. I will now giggle every time someone utters those words around me. I learned that I absolutely love shots by the name of Washington Apples. In fact, Kim will be here “tomorrow”/today to help me pack and will have a “gallon worth of Washington Apples” for us to get piss drunk on. Drunk packing! Should be interesting… and memorable!

I am officially unemployed.

Your arms beneath me, your light inside me; I used to love your every little thing. Your eyes blue stars, your hand in my purse; Now I hate your every little thing. Oh mama I didn’t know life was this hard. Oh mama my innocence has been tarred. My inner vision dulled and darkened. I gave myself away to you. I felt my sorrow humble me and throw my crown upon the ground. It was you I hoped for and us I prayed for and me that I believed was wrong. But now my anger is my best friend and careful, I may bite your head off. So call me a bitch in heat and I’ll call you a liar. And we’ll throw stones until we’re dead.

Paula Cole – Throwing Stones

It’s 4am and I am looking at the living room that has caused me so much stress and depression for the past two years. So much to pack and absolutely no desire to do so. The cats are watching me drift back and forth, trying to box up things that I’ve collected over the years. It’s a slow process and emotionally exhausting. I have run up against a deadline I should have been able to beat but faltered miles back before the finish line. Depression? Stress? Anxiety? All of the above, really. I wish I could be The Bitch. I wish I didn’t care so much about his feelings. I wish I could have just done what needed to get done without being empathetic to his depression and anxiety. But I can’t. I am who I am. I cannot be anything less. While I can have a severe lack of patience, I cannot simply shut off the empathy nor disregard the love that I had for him once.

Do I still love him? Yes. Does it hurt me to still love him? Absolutely. I need to distance myself from this place; so much negativity is associated with it for me now that I lost sight of a lot of things. I’ve been blind to much of myself, to my desires and my dreams. I settled. I gave up. It isn’t like me to just give up. I would stumble but I always caught myself. Or if I stumbled and fell, I still picked myself back up and brushed off the dirt. I have always been stronger than what I wound up being. I hated what I became. I resented him so much for putting me in such a predicament. Should I have talked more? Probably. Did I expect him to see between the lines? Unfortunately, the answer to that would be an affirmative. Depressing.

Here is to new beginnings.

Here is to my new adventure.

Here is to my journey.

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress, handful of anger, held in my chest. And everything left’s a waste of time. I hate my rhymes, but hate everyone else’s more. I’m riding on the back of this pressure. Guessing that it’s better I can’t keep myself together. Because all of this stress gave me something to write on. The pain gave me something I could set my sights on. Never forget the blood sweat and tears, the uphill struggle over years the fear and trash talking and the people it was to and the people that started it just like you.

Linkin Park – Nobody’s Listening